As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.

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If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.


When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.


I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.


Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.


[old couple feeding ducks in the park]

“Nothing could ruin this Edna”

*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread


Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.


“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones


My mom said I gained weight so I told her I was pregnant. Now I’ve got like 8 months to prepare to raise a fake baby.


*goes through crush’s phone when he dies*

*gets out ouija board*

“who is Emma”