If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
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When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
My mom said I gained weight so I told her I was pregnant. Now I’ve got like 8 months to prepare to raise a fake baby.
*goes through crush’s phone when he dies*
*gets out ouija board*
“who is Emma”