As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
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Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
Never let them know your next move 😂
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.