@anerdonfire2

As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.

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@moxieblogger

If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.

@noog

When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.

@squirrel74wkgn

I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.

@roxiqt

Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.

@KyleMcDowell86

[old couple feeding ducks in the park]

“Nothing could ruin this Edna”

*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread

@robdelaney

Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.

@ChaseMit

“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones

@MUMSIEesq

My mom said I gained weight so I told her I was pregnant. Now I’ve got like 8 months to prepare to raise a fake baby.

@sophienuuttall

*goes through crush’s phone when he dies*

*gets out ouija board*

“who is Emma”