As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
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That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
Probably my best painting.
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running