@becks_bradley

As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.

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@wickedimproper

I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”

@longwall26

Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure

@TheAlexNevil

Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.

Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!

Me:

Dog:

Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?

Dog: Not really, no.

@KevinFarzad

It’s been so inspiring to see our country come together over the past few months and refuse to use facebook stories

@robdelaney

Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁

@ChicksRule

To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?

@MiddleageM

Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet

@ItsAndyRyan

[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back

@craiguito

My neighbour wasn’t in when her wedding dress was delivered. She called to ask me if I would take it in for her, so I did and now she’s mad because I made it too tight.

@lucidchemistry

I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.