As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.

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I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”


Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure


Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.

Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!



Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?

Dog: Not really, no.


It’s been so inspiring to see our country come together over the past few months and refuse to use facebook stories


Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁


To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?


Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet


[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back


My neighbour wasn’t in when her wedding dress was delivered. She called to ask me if I would take it in for her, so I did and now she’s mad because I made it too tight.


I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.