A pouch potato 😂
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
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I bought theater food once. Long story short my son will no longer be going to college..
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends