As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
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YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.