As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
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Rich people don’t understand cereal
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
screw you
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
my dad has had enough
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt