As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
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You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.