As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.

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This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.


Apparently asking the boss ” who ignited the fuse on your tampon?” will get you sent to HR.


I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.

Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display


“Can I get you to-”
“Great! Here it-”
“Don’t you want to-”

– Adam Sandler being handed a script


I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.


I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.


{first day in prison}

Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.


Saw a baby crying and gave it my electric bill cuz why should we both be sad?


Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?