As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
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HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.