As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
You Might Also Like
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
A French press is when you hug naked
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
December birthdays be like…