@junejuly12

As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.

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@KimmyMonte

*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*

@sad_tree

There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE

@DevilryFun

I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.

@BrogaPants

what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”

@InternetHippo

CNN, 1939: Invading Poland made him sexy 😉

CNN, 1940: Hitler has developed a disturbing penchant for invasions

@TheWidowmakerX

It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back