As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
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Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
A fake ID that makes you younger
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
work smarter, not harder
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.