As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.

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High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway


My coworker read some fake Facebook thing saying vitamin C is the cure for the virus. He’s been drinking 3 large glasses of milk per day for the last 9 days. I haven’t had the heart to tell him orange juice is the one with vitamin C


Me: Did you cheat?

Wife: Haha yes, what about you?

Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?

Wife: Had sex with Dave


A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.


Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?


Michael Jackson would be 54 today if he hadn’t hired such a gifted nap specialist.


The ability to ask different questions
See this is what we were talking about


BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.

CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.


Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.