Why do birds
You are near?
Just like me
Made of bread
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
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Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
Me: I’m going on a liquid diet to refresh my system.
Her: you’re literally eating a breakfast burrito right now?
Me:*mouth full* abfter viss
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
Smoked a cigar
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
Decided to plant some marijuana seeds in my vegetable garden hoping I could come up with some dope beets.
toddler: Lets go get a cake
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked