As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
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ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
That’s easy for you to say
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas