As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe

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Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread


Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying

Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning

Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting


Me: I’m going on a liquid diet to refresh my system.

Her: you’re literally eating a breakfast burrito right now?

Me:*mouth full* abfter viss


Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.


December 1st:
Smoked a cigar

December 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth


6: Why are we at the vet?

Me: So our pig can’t have babies

6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?

Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch


Decided to plant some marijuana seeds in my vegetable garden hoping I could come up with some dope beets.


toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that