As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
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*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
“OK men, spread out.”
“Oat?”
“What?”
“Spread oats?”
“Spread out.”
“One oat?”
“Dammit.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.