As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
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Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.