God: you hate the moon.
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
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Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
“Is it in a barn?”
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
McDonalds employees get so cranky when you perform the entire dance routine to Britney Spear’s “I’m a slave for you” before ordering.
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
Nature fact: The female cat gives birth to the body and head of her kittens separately and has to screw the head in like a lightbulb.
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?