As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
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[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?