@DadandBuried

As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.

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@NewDadNotes

God: you hate the moon.

Wolf: why?

God: he stole your girlfriend.

Wolf: I have a girlfriend?

God: not anymore.

Wolf: because the moon-

God: -stole her yes.

Wolf: I hate the moon.

God: I know.

Wolf: I just miss her so much.

God: let it out.

Wolf: [takes a deep breath]

@WilliamAder

Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.

@rebrafsim

Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?

Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?

Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?

Me: Yeah no, that’s about it

@ClichedOut

What should we call our new store?

“Will we sell pottery?”

No.

“Is it in a barn?”

No.

“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”

Hell, I love it Carl.

@inmynewskin

Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.

@gorrdano

McDonalds employees get so cranky when you perform the entire dance routine to Britney Spear’s “I’m a slave for you” before ordering.

@jazmasta

Nature fact: The female cat gives birth to the body and head of her kittens separately and has to screw the head in like a lightbulb.

@molly7anne

If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.

For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.

@momTruthBomb

When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?

– kids