As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
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According to math, I’m broke
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
Sing it!
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.