Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
As my kids get older, I am more convinced that drinking water fixes everything.
Have a stomachache – drink some water
Have a headache – you really need to drink more water
Bear attack on the way to school – I bet the bear was dehydrated, here have a glass of water
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Whenever teachers say ‘show your work’, just write a bunch of numbers down and hope they’re tired that night.
Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: I’m thinking.
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve