As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
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[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
Phonetics
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.