As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?

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I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.


I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.

Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.


The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.


I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.

And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.


robert pattinson has absolutely no regard for the things he says on tv and i think thats beautiful


I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.


My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.