@WilliamAder

As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?

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@10InchesPlus

When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.

@TheAlexNevil

Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct

Occam’s toothbrush: show off

@Sickayduh

DAD: I can’t believe you bought me a house for Christmas
SON: I hope you enjoy it
DAD: I’m just gonna…
SON: Oh no
DAD: Live in the present

@better_off_dad2

Ever since my mother discovered emojis I feel like she’s been hitting on me.

@_UltimateTwit

Like most parents, my wife and I love to proudly watch our beautiful little daughter whilst she sleeps.

Freaks her husband out though.

@BoomBoomBetty

[In meeting, puts cap on pen]

Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.

@MatCro

ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?

GF: Yep

M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?

@TweetPotato314

Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.

Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.

@TheBabylonBee

Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts

@MunkMania

My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.