When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
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Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
DAD: I can’t believe you bought me a house for Christmas
SON: I hope you enjoy it
DAD: I’m just gonna…
SON: Oh no
DAD: Live in the present
Ever since my mother discovered emojis I feel like she’s been hitting on me.
Like most parents, my wife and I love to proudly watch our beautiful little daughter whilst she sleeps.
Freaks her husband out though.
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.