@WilliamAder

As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?

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@david8hughes

I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.

@PinkCamoTO

I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.

Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.

@savvystrider

The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.

@mom_tho

I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.

And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.

@PRlNCEREMUS

robert pattinson has absolutely no regard for the things he says on tv and i think thats beautiful

@GlennyRodge

I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.

@Shade510

My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.