As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
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I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.
Before crowbars crows drank alone
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”
-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no varietyExclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”
-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.