[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
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my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
finally
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.