As per my last nervous breakdown
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My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
My head is starting to get dented from hitting rock bottom so often.
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
you will never catch me dying in a cave or whilst climbing Mount Everest. you know who hasn’t suffered a gruesome death far in the caverns below ground? me, because I’m in my jim-jams, reading
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
I had a well check visit today & my doctor, in the middle of listening to my chest, asked me how the library was & if it was busy now that kids were back in school.
I don’t work at a library. I don’t know what he’s talking about.
I just rolled with it. The library is fiiiiiine.
Revenge is a dish best served by cutting a sandwich horizontally instead of diagonally
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.