As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
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WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
The news is so predictable nowadays
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
I’m crying im so happy for them
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.
Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.
Me: No.
Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!
Me: Please stop.
Body: Itchy back!
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
🤣🤣🤣
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird