As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind

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I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.


My favorite horror movies are about camping trips gone horribly wrong. It’s a problem I’ll never have, and frankly, if you’re going camping, you’re just asking for trouble.


Couldn’t remember the girl’s name from last night so I brought her to Starbucks.


2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal life

god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ


Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.


FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.


The fact that this peanut butter jar states that it “Contains Peanuts” makes me extremely nervous for the human race.


Your neck tattoo says “Only God can judge me,” yet here I am.


“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts