@MavenofHonor

As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind

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@sip_at_home_mom

I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.

@RunwayDan

My favorite horror movies are about camping trips gone horribly wrong. It’s a problem I’ll never have, and frankly, if you’re going camping, you’re just asking for trouble.

@w00f_w00f

Couldn’t remember the girl’s name from last night so I brought her to Starbucks.

@ch000ch

2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal life

Today:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ

@215potter

Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.

@neiltyson

FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.

@BadassBarbie11

The fact that this peanut butter jar states that it “Contains Peanuts” makes me extremely nervous for the human race.

@RorynotRoy

Your neck tattoo says “Only God can judge me,” yet here I am.

@isabelzawtun

“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts