As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
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Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
Wife: I remember your proposal
Me: Oh yeah?
Wife: It was so romantic
Me: It was?
Wife: You put in so much effort
Me:
Wife: That was Steve?
Me: That was Steve
Boy never ceases to amaze me
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.