I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
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Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
HOW DARE YOU
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.
How about daylight saves us for once
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
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Expectations vs. Reality
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.