As soon as I get my shit figured out I’m going to start judging everyone.

You Might Also Like


I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.


okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS


Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?

007: Shaken…

Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture


Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’

Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’

Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’


I’d like to thank my skeletal system for all the support its given me over the years.


Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.

Body: Ten more minutes then.


Me: what is my final challenge

*dragon appears*

Me: oh no

Dragon: spell necessary



Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.

Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]

Here you go!