@a_simpl_man

As soon as I get my shit figured out I’m going to start judging everyone.

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@LoveNLunchmeat

I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.

@IamEnidColeslaw

okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS

@ShootyDoody

Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?

007: Shaken…

Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture

@mack44_d

Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’

Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’

Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’

@Mothpete

I’d like to thank my skeletal system for all the support its given me over the years.

@Birdhumms

Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.

Body: Ten more minutes then.

@fishbowel

Me: what is my final challenge

*dragon appears*

Me: oh no

Dragon: spell necessary

Me: OH NO

@dlockw21

Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.

Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]

Here you go!