Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
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My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
This made me chuckle.
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing