As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
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[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
Sheep
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?