As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
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“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
our love story in four pictures
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.