I thought we were both kidding when we made plans for me to watch your kid.
As soon as my daughter realizes Jamacians, Irish, & wizards don’t all have the same accent, I’m probably going to get fired from storytime.
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Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
I’m at my sexiest when I’m at a stoplight and a teenage boy is checking me out then suddenly realizes his horrific mistake.
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.