HER: I want to have sex so badly
ME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
As soon as my daughter realizes Jamacians, Irish, & wizards don’t all have the same accent, I’m probably going to get fired from storytime.
You Might Also Like
Is life fair? Short answer: No. Long answer: Noooooooooooooooooooo.
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]