@mulliganstewed

As soon as my daughter realizes Jamacians, Irish, & wizards don’t all have the same accent, I’m probably going to get fired from storytime.

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@NervousJr

I thought we were both kidding when we made plans for me to watch your kid.

@okimstillhungry

Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”

@JessObsess

Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.

@PeachesMcPeach

I’m at my sexiest when I’m at a stoplight and a teenage boy is checking me out then suddenly realizes his horrific mistake.

@nonchalantnacho

Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.

@TheAndrewNadeau

handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening

me: *nodding* ghosts

handyman: …this screw is loose

me: ah.

handyman:

me:

handyman:

me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?

@david8hughes

[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah

@DomesticGoddss

This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.