As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
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Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
this… may be the greatest story ever told
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?
Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.
Me: <send>
Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning