@mattZillaaaa

As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.

You Might Also Like

@iamspacegirl

The crocodile is the most relatable character in Peter Pan because he really just wants to devour that one specific guy but will also happily eat whatever garbage that guy throws at him.

@SamuelHLowe

Top 3 situations that require witnesses:

1) Crimes
2) Accidents
3) Marriages

Need I say more?

@trashcanbee

took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired

@JohnLyonTweets

“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”

@Midgetspar

If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”

@Snarfernini

Quick! What’s protocol for when he opens my car door for me and just shy of 7,000 Sonic straw wrappers fall out?

@Megatronic13

[swimming pool]

Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?

Lifeguard: that’s impossible

Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable

@Rollinintheseat

When you’re talking to someone with no teeth, you find out teeth are also a retaining wall for spit.

@whatmaddness

Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.