@mattZillaaaa

As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.

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@david8hughes

Her: I like your hair. Did you get it cut?
Me: I washed it
Her: but it looks really different
Me: yeah I used water this time

@envydatropic

Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership

@MayaIsLoading

In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.

@UnFitz

“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.

@KKAlThani

*Knocks on door*
Hey open up. You didn’t reply to my last 43 texts & then you tweeted about a guy who keeps annoying you. You need help?

@TheAlexNevil

The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.

@pinupteacher

WAITER: Would you like any dessert?

DATE: No, just the ch-

ME: CHEESECAKE. Just the cheesecake.

@TomSchally

The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.

@DadInUtah

Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.