As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
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Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”