*My Gym Schedule*
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
[as the bride enters the church and heads down the aisle]
ME: *clapping* BRIDE BRIDE BRIDE BRIDE
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Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
The name “groundhog” suggests the presence of sea and skyhogs and I am not sure how I feel about that.
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
You know you’re high when you take a hilarious shower.
*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
If you’re gonna kill yourself, at least do it on a parent’s birthday so they know why.
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
I put a Samsung Galaxy Note 7 inside a Samsung washing machine and now I own a nuclear warhead.