@trojansauce

[as the bride enters the church and heads down the aisle]
ME: *clapping* BRIDE BRIDE BRIDE BRIDE

[as the bride enters the church and heads down the aisle]
ME: *clapping* BRIDE BRIDE BRIDE BRIDE

- @trojansauce

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@rockymomax

I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
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I broke the world record for eating bees

@MomOfTeen

“Feel the burn” yells my fitness instructor as I think that’s probably how Satan greets people in Hell.

@peterjames48

Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”

@KyleSmells

i am responds with “baby don’t hurt me”, when someone says “what is love” years old

@karanbirtinna

Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.

@SteveSuckington

“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”

-oh, u drive a school bus?

“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”

@esuwalker

I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ?

~Conversations I have with my couch

@TheMichaelRock

8yo [looking at a poorly wrapped gift] was Santa drunk when he wrapped this?

Me: that’s purely speculation

@1Happytwit

They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.

@ShrinkMedia

If I throw my son a baseball, he drops it. A football, he fumbles. But if I toss him a cell phone, my man has a sick one handed, no look.