(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
[as the bride enters the church and heads down the aisle]
ME: *clapping* BRIDE BRIDE BRIDE BRIDE
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Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75
Never talking to anyone:
ANXIETY: u up?
ME: *unintelligible groan*
ANXIETY: remember that one girl you might have offended back in 2007?
ME: I’m up, I’m up.
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*
Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
Keep your friends close and your enemies in urns.
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
ME: *falls down the stairs* help buddy im hurt bad call 911
ROBE-BOT: another robe sir?