[as the bride enters the church and heads down the aisle]

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*My Gym Schedule*

Monday: Cardio

Tuesday: Intense weight training

Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training

Thursday: 3 year break



Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.


CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.

UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*


The name “groundhog” suggests the presence of sea and skyhogs and I am not sure how I feel about that.


*being abducted by aliens*

Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?


If you’re gonna kill yourself, at least do it on a parent’s birthday so they know why.


Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.


I put a Samsung Galaxy Note 7 inside a Samsung washing machine and now I own a nuclear warhead.