@HatfieldAnne

“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”

You Might Also Like

@pbear79

Interviewer: What would you say is your biggest weakness?

Me: I’m an AMAZING listener.

@SaltyCorpse

Him: That’s a little dramatic.

Me: I HAVE NOT YET BEGUN TO BE DRAMATIC, GOOD SIR.

@GlennyRodge

I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.

@ashlar36

I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: Go to bed

5-year-old: One more question

Me: Fine

5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?

Me

5:

Me: Get some coffee

@Dawn_M_

Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.

@Love_bug1016

My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.

@StoneAgeRadio13

ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5

12YO: that’s not how it works

ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?

12YO: both?

@chimneyspotter

DR: Are you sexually active?
ME: Very
DR: Eating donuts alone in your car doesn’t count
ME: Still yes
DR: Neither do croissants
ME: Then no