Interviewer: What would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: I’m an AMAZING listener.
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
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Him: That’s a little dramatic.
Me: I HAVE NOT YET BEGUN TO BE DRAMATIC, GOOD SIR.
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me: Get some coffee
BREAKING: Clint Eastwood visits the Vatican to talk to the empty chair.
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
DR: Are you sexually active?
DR: Eating donuts alone in your car doesn’t count
ME: Still yes
DR: Neither do croissants
ME: Then no