As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
You Might Also Like
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
Batman v Dracula
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…