The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
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Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
Does your wife know you’re single?
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
i’m still crying at this
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her