As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
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‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
I’m a self-made hundredaire
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.