As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”

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I don’t know, the friend zone sounds like a cool place with pizza and laser tag


In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???


Her: Can I see your phone?

Me: Cu-caw! Cu-caw! Cu-caw! **Flaps imaginary wings and flys into another room**


Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?

Child: You’re old, it’s expected.



Date: Uhh seriously?

Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too

*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*


[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”


Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined


If there’s a hardship greater than putting cheese on a cracker and having it break before it gets into your mouth I’ve not heard of it.


Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.

Assistant: Algorithm.

R: No you stay here and help me.