As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
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[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?