As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
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Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
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A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
Hey Fugeddaboutit
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
A fake ID that makes you younger
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
🔊 Sound up
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”