As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
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I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
One time someone broke up with me 26 hours after getting their first pair of glasses.
A level of petty I can get with 🤣
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”