4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
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Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
Nothing confuses me more than an angry stoner.
*Husband runs into bedroom*
H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien