As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
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it’s a van. how do they not know this
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!
THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man
Are these grass-fed oranges?
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?