So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
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Apparently, my office doesn’t think the women’s restroom needs a tampon disposal, so wrapped it up and put it in their suggestion box.
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
english person: you mean you don’t have SNELLYDORF HUFFLEDAMS? WHERE DO YOU PUT YOUR BROOKENSHIRES
me: Aight man have a good day
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
IT WANT DIE
Damn girl, are you the Sunday crossword because I want to spend all day doing you…