As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
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I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started