@PinkCamoTO

As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.

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@fro_vo

[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so

@StrawburyDelite

Apparently, my office doesn’t think the women’s restroom needs a tampon disposal, so wrapped it up and put it in their suggestion box.

@envydatropic

And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet

~Life

@citizenkawala

How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?

Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.

@minfiliawarde

me: hi
english person: you mean you don’t have SNELLYDORF HUFFLEDAMS? WHERE DO YOU PUT YOUR BROOKENSHIRES
me: Aight man have a good day

@marknorm

You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.

@_Tempo11

He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”

@bornmiserable

“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”

@gruffybeard

Damn girl, are you the Sunday crossword because I want to spend all day doing you…