*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
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Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.