As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.

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[sanitation worker knocks at my door]

The amount of McDonald’s related trash we’re collecting from your home each week has us concerned.


*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*


Facebook: Essential oils.
Snapchat: I’m a bunny!
Instagram: I ate a hamburger.


the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it


Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.


Me: we should probably go to bed

Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning

Me: ok


GOD: [inventing earth] Let there be light

ANGEL: K, coolcool

GOD: [inventing lightning] Let there be murdery light

ANGEL: Uh what now


please stop calling that oatmeal raisin thing a cookie. it’s a round granola bar.


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