[sanitation worker knocks at my door]
The amount of McDonald’s related trash we’re collecting from your home each week has us concerned.
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
You Might Also Like
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
Facebook: Essential oils.
Snapchat: I’m a bunny!
Instagram: I ate a hamburger.
Twitter: THIS COUNTRY IS BURNING TO THE GROUND.
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
GOD: [inventing earth] Let there be light
ANGEL: K, coolcool
GOD: [inventing lightning] Let there be murdery light
ANGEL: Uh what now
please stop calling that oatmeal raisin thing a cookie. it’s a round granola bar.
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…