@junejuly12

As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from

~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day

As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from

~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day

- @junejuly12

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@OhNoSheTwitnt

No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.

@Hammer_Toe

Come with me and I will help you realize your full insignificance.

@liv_thatsme

Well, I was in a huge hurry until you started driving 1 inch from my bumper. Now, I’ve got all the time in the world.

@NikiWithIssues

Dad: Let’s talk, we never talk.
Me: Okay. I kinda wanna tell you something…
Dad: You can tell me anything.
Me: I’m Batman.
Dad: Get out.

@fro_vo

[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi

@slimmy_shady

Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!

@djdarrellripley

Me: Who are you and how did you get in here?

Him: I’m a locksmith. And, I’m a locksmith.

@Darlainky

Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.

@AGreaterMonster

So the Macarena turns out to be about a girl double-teaming her boyfriend’s friends. Now we know the lyrics were crowd-sourced from Twitter.

@ArfMeasures

[On a Ferris wheel]

Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!

Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!

Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats