As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
You Might Also Like
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
be careful