Sometimes I try to eat healthy but my stomach’s like “what if you die tomorrow?” and I’m like “good point” and I have a whole pizza.
As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
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Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
Just heard a lady say she’s been shopping at this Kmart for the last 15 years, and I was like, “doesn’t your family miss you?”
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
mom i AM the friend that jumps off the bridge
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
Tweets got stolen.
* Everybody looks at the new black dude following *