As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
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Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*
Him: oh yeah
[my place]
Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?