As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
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I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
[the middle of showering] I need a break
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
Boy never ceases to amaze me
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!
I didn’t want to brag but the vending machine at work gave me two pouches of beef jerky today when I only paid for one
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
I cannot call her anything else now
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
A French press is when you hug naked
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm