@haveigotnews

As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.

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@DrakeGatsby

Me: I’m an actor

Date: Oh that’s cool!

Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”

Date: I love that movie!

Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.

@DadZZZasleep

wife: you need to do more around the house

me: can you change the subject please?

wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you

@alwayzintruble

Just put 3 sugar cubes in my tea, and by sugar, I mean xanax, because sugar is really bad for you..

@realHamOnWry

Three strangers came to the door and asked if I’d found Jesus. I said no, then offered to join in the manhunt.

@DaNaLa13

Food Network makes me feel like a perv:
Beat it
It’s not moist enough
My wrist is tired
Look how thick it’s getting
It’s all about flavor

@davidkenny100

*Text

I’m on my way

Kurt Cobain: take your time

Ok cool

Hurry up

Er… sorry

The choice is yours

Oh! Ok

Don’t be late

Ffs dude!

@dumbbeezie

Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest

@Whitnuts

CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT

@3sunzzz

M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.

Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.

M: Yes, yes it is.