Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
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wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
Just put 3 sugar cubes in my tea, and by sugar, I mean xanax, because sugar is really bad for you..
Three strangers came to the door and asked if I’d found Jesus. I said no, then offered to join in the manhunt.
Food Network makes me feel like a perv:
It’s not moist enough
My wrist is tired
Look how thick it’s getting
It’s all about flavor
I’m on my way
Kurt Cobain: take your time
The choice is yours
Don’t be late
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.