As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.

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5yo : you think Iโ€™m ugly

6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no


I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still


With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival

No one comes over anymore :/


date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”


the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us


I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future


If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.


Motherhood means never questioning why you found a Stormtrooper in the toilet just now


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