As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.

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As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.


Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.


I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.


*lays head on homeless guys lap*

“You would not believe the day I had”


Sorry Im late, I was staring at a wall for an hour thinkin about how delicious that pizza looked on Home Alone 2 when Kevin got in the limo.


“Did you just fall?” “No. I attacked the floor.” “Backwards?” “I’m freaking talented!”


Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!


Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.


My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?


Griddle me this!!

– Batman villain ordering breakfast.