As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
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If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
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She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
You sure about that?
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too