@haveigotnews

As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.

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@dimplesticks

Overheard:

5yo : you think Iโ€™m ugly

6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no

@MaryKoCo

I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still

@Marlebean

With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival

No one comes over anymore :/

@KeetPotato

date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”

@Carroll_Amy_

the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us

@Fred_Delicious

I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future

@sweetg35

If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.

@belleykell

Motherhood means never questioning why you found a Stormtrooper in the toilet just now

@not_liberal

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