As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
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I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
Mistakes were made
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower