[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
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VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.
My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
🍛
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.