As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
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My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
1st time waking up my teen: *rubs back* Hey buddy, time to get up.
2nd time: *shakes him* It’s been 5 minutes. Get up.
3rd time: *rips blanket off* Get up NOW!
4th time: *rage breathing* YOU’RE LATE!
My teen: *dramatically sits straight up* WHY DIDN’T YOU WAKE ME SOONER?!
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment