As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
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*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
Human are so complicated
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.