@daddydoubts

As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.

Also the dumbest.

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@FaisalAdam_

Asked a girl what I had to do to get her, she said, “GET LOST!”
So I stared…
Realising she wasn’t saying more, I asked, “which season?”

@psybermonkey

[First date]

Her dad: I want her home before midnight

Me: but you already own her home

Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will

@ElKnuckelhombre

I must be looking extra good today because this dude with a backpack on the side of the road was giving me the big thumbs up. Thanks man!

@Browtweaten

dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton

baa baa black sheep: uhhh

dealer: *narrows eyes*

farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made

@_Water_Baby

Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.

@SomePieceOfshit

Cashier: Have a great day

[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}

Me: I have bad news

@IfIwassomething

I don’t buy the dinosaur chicken nuggets because they’ve already been through enough already.

@Robert_Beau

I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.

@CornOnTheGoblin

my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?