She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
As you can tell by my wrinkled shirts, I’m bad at irony.
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What!? You didn’t say crust fund?
*awkwardly gathers pizza crusts*
I don’t outright swear in mixed company, so no, I have no idea why your kid suddenly started saying “effin bee ess.” I have my own problems.
If Iron Man and Silver Surfer teamed up, they would be alloys.
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
Quick question: How many bowls of mac and cheese can you eat during a Skype job interview before you look unprofessional?