As you can tell by my wrinkled shirts, I’m bad at irony.

You Might Also Like


She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.


What!? You didn’t say crust fund?

*awkwardly gathers pizza crusts*


I don’t outright swear in mixed company, so no, I have no idea why your kid suddenly started saying “effin bee ess.” I have my own problems.


If Iron Man and Silver Surfer teamed up, they would be alloys.


Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?

Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore


Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on


Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”


Quick question: How many bowls of mac and cheese can you eat during a Skype job interview before you look unprofessional?