One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
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Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
Finally a use for spoilers…
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
grotesque if literal: baby food
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.