@salamingia

As you can tell by my wrinkled shirts, I’m bad at irony.

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@JodingersCat

She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.

@JKickinit30

What!? You didn’t say crust fund?

*awkwardly gathers pizza crusts*

@LostFelicia

I don’t outright swear in mixed company, so no, I have no idea why your kid suddenly started saying “effin bee ess.” I have my own problems.

@manda_tee1

If Iron Man and Silver Surfer teamed up, they would be alloys.

@ronnui_

Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?

Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore

@RideSallyRide69

Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on

@WildeThingy

Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”

@LoveNLunchmeat

Quick question: How many bowls of mac and cheese can you eat during a Skype job interview before you look unprofessional?